This is the comeback story of all time.
Our guest has the number 1 movie out.
Your album is coming out next week, you've won an Oscar, a grammy, a Tony, an Emmy..
You're getting Nobel Peace Prize for the work you've done in Middle East.
Your charity saved the whales and trees while feeding the children.
It's changing the world as we know it.
I guess life is good.
It hasn't always been that way, has it?
I don't hold it against you to bring it up, let me start with that.
It's my job.
I was a man that seemed to have everything.
And yet i had nothing.
What changed? -You wouldn't believe it.
Try me. -Alright.
Rockbottom. That's where i was.
I had nowhere to go.
Like naked women be.. With baseball bats just for kicks.
It wasn't until i wrote away to this little advice column in the newspaper..
I wrote to a man named Mr Know It All.
And his advice guided me and helped me..
To find my way, to find my way to a better place. It actually brought me to where i am now.
Who is Mr Know It All?
He's an enigma.
Maybe we should have him on the show.
There are people that live fun, exciting lives.
And then there are people like me.
It's not because i'm boring.
Well, i am boring. BUt i don't need excitement in my life.
I think it's overrated.
I just see life like it is.
People ask me, is the cup half full or is it half empty.
I just say hey, be happy you got a cup.
Have i always been like this?
I think there's a point in every kid's life..
Where they hear and see something and they go, what the..
Things are going great, life is great, and then..
For my friend Patti, it was my 9th birthday party.
But that bubble bursting moment is different for everyone.
Goldie has been sleeping for a really long time.
For me, it was when i heard the story of the Monkey Paw.
I mean you guys know that story right?
Guy goes into a pawn shop, tries to buy an evil Monkey Paw..
Why would anyone want this ugly thing?
It's great to honor three wishes.
I'll take it.
But the owner won't sell. Says it's too evil.
SO the guy steals it, and brings it home for his wife.
The wife is thrilled to get three wishes..
Even though the guy warns her that the Monkey Paw is evil..
The wife wishes for $100.
Suddenly the telephone rings, and they're informed that their son is dead.
Mangled to bit in some construction accident.
But the good news is they get $100 from the company.
The wife is totally distraught and wishes that the son was alive again.
Suddenly they hear a tapping noise coming from the front door..
But the husband realizes that if the son was alive again..
He would be this mangled tormented mess.
Oh my dear God.
So the husband used the third wish to wish that his son was dead again.
So in the end, all they get is $100 and a dead son.
And the moral of the story is..
Is.. -Be careful what you wish for.
What the..
What kind of children bedtime story is that? I freaked out.
I started to remember stuff i wished for..
I wish i didn't have to go to piano lesson.
That day there was a fire in my dad's dry cleaning business..
And since my dad didn't have insurance it wiped us out financially.
So hey, no more piano lesson.
And the time i wished for a puppy.
That's enough!
Well, my dad left us to live with his new girlfriend.
But the condo they were living in wouldn't take her dog.
My dad's girlfriend's used puppy.
That's my girl.
Crap.
It all made sense now, after the monkey paw, my bubble bursts.
Careful what you wish for is my mantra.
Make a wish, sweety.
I don't waste my time with hopes or wishes. I deal in facts.
Aren't you gonna make a wish?
Mostly useless.
But over the years, that useless knowledge has come in handy for my day job.
My not forever job.
As i write books.
Actually i write book.
But i plan on writing the second one once my first one is published.
But for now, i write a newspaper column.
Ask Mr Know It All.
How many hairs on a human head?
Well, that depends.
Is it a blonde, a brunette or a red head?
Over all, i am happy to have things just the way they are.
No changes, no surprises.
Hi, Sal. It's Patti!
Girl, we are famous!
What the.. -It's great news.
I don't want great news, how do we go from obscurity to this?
You're not lying to me, are you?
I would never lie to you.
Wait, actually scratch that.
I'll just send it to you, it'll explain everything.
Rock bottom. -That's right.
You wrote to a newspaper columnist.. -It's pretty simple.
And this.. -Like most answers..
Who is this Mr Know It All?
I just don't know.. -Mr Know It All writes for a newspaper..
A simple man, i'm sure. Because the answer.. ..Right in front of us..
All spiritual leaders..
We all need to reach out.
I just assume if i turn them at Passover, that it would be okay.
You have to have 3 months left on it.
Do you not even know Mr Know It All column?
No.
Time to disipline your kids is not when you're angry..
Disipline them when you're calm.
I know, it sounds so simple.
If it wasn't for Mr Know It All..
I would've kept on with the.. Ineffectual damaging screaming matches.
Mr Know It All said it's perfectly fine and happens to many guys.
So, i'm not the only one.
Sal!
Your column is breaking records.
Okay, you were right. It's not that bad.
I have even have some nipples about syndication..
We are so in the money, Sal!
Really? -Yes, really.
They want a picture.
No problem, i can send them the one that you took at the picnic last summer.
No, they think you're a guy.
Just tell them it's me. -I can't.
WHy not?
It's complicated.
How complicated can it be, Patti? You just send them my bio, they'll meet me and..
Oh.
Don't tell me. You lied?
And then you lied some more, and you probably lied some more. And now we can't get out of it.
If the readers find out that they have been had, we're history.
All they want is a picture, it's not a big deal.
Where am i gonna find a picture of Mr Know It All?
I don't know, wherever.
You will figure it out. Just get me a face.
Okay, and the 4th caller gets a free Mr. Know It All t-shirt.
Patti's right, it is not a big deal.
It's not that i lied..
It's just a picture.
Not even a picture, a drawing.
I doubt anyone would even recognize him.
And even if someone did, it probably would not make a difference to his life.
An ordinary guy..
Who lives an ordinary dull life.
So, you start with a lie.
A small one.
And now they want the real Mr Know It All.
There is no real Mr Know It All.
We are in big shit.
All we need is a video of the guy.
It'll buy us some time until we think of something else. How hard will it be? We'll hire a waiter.
A waiter?
Yeah, a waiter and actor. Whatever.
We'll film the guy and add a voice over.
And what do we do if he tells everyone he's a fake?
Then, we'll have to kill him.
Okay, that was a joke.
I got it.
One more and then we're even.
Just reminding you.
All done?
Yeah, boss.
I was gonna make sure that little weasel has sung his last song.
Weasels don't sing.
What?
A canary sings, not a weasel.
You're mixing your metaphores.
What time is it?
Where is Stella? We're gonna be late for Rocko's kids conformation.
She's always late.
Stella, come one!
Where are you taking me?
What are you wearing?
Uh.. A dress?
That looks stupid.
The girl at the store said it's the style these days.
So the style these days is to look stupid?
Come on, you can't go like that. You gotta change.
We're in a hurry, we're late and i'm hungry. Please.
Sorry.
It's okay, will you please just hurry up.
Will you guys do something? Like fix something, paint something, kill somebody. Just do something.
What's a metaphore?
Excuse me.
I've never done this before, but..
I just wanted to say that i'm a real fan.
And i love your work.
I can't believe that i have bumped into you like this.
It was a pleasure to meet you.
Totally Called Cars, Our pain is your gain.
I'm calling my marker.
What? No hey Bud, what's new, How have you been?
Hi, Bud what's new? How have you been?
Same old, same old.
What can i do you for?
I need your expertize, someone got a good look at me.
Bummer, man. -Yeah.
Weirdest thing, she thought i was somebody else.
Good to know you're following the rules there, pal.
Rule number 7, bail if you can placed at the job site.
Are you free?
It needs to be done soon.
Well, pretty busy on the lot there today.
And i'm in the middle of redecorating my office.
But, i'm sure i could juggle a few things for you, Albie old boy.
I could fly in this evening. Do you want me to bring you anything?
.. Mysterious Mr Know It All..
Let's see what these ladies have to say. -Just yourself.
Well, he may Know It All, but so cute..
Hey Mr Know It All, i could teach you something.
Get in line, girl.
There you have it, i think we're all stand in line..
To get to know just a little bit more about Mr Know It All.
Back to you, Bob.
Thank you, Gale.
And in an unrelated story..
Do i have an identical twin brother?
Yes, you do.
I kept him in the attic for the last 30 years.
He has a mental problem.
I didn't think it was safe to let him out on his own.
Really? -No, what's the matter with you?
You never phoned, i can't remember the last time you were here..
I was there for your birthday, mom.
That doesn't count.
What do you mean it doesn't count? Of course it counts.
Don't you get fresh with me!
You may think you're a tough guy..
But i could beat the shit out of you in my sleep.
Sorry mom, i've been really busy. I just got..
One more thing to do and then i'll have a lot more time.
Get off your ass and do it.
Yes, mom.
And don't get killed. -Mom..
We have an exclusive, a treat for you with Mr Know It All.
He is quite a looker, brains and smarts, he's so beautiful.
Shit!
You're that guy!
No. -Yeah, you're Mr Know It All.
I never forget a face. -No.
Yeah you are.
Hey, this is Mr Know It All.
What?
You know Mr Know It All, that advice guy.
Hey, can i have your autograph? It's for my girlfriend.
You don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah i do. -Yeah, nice try, You missed him.
I don't.. I do..
Hey that's Mr Know It All.
Hey, hey.. -Mr Know It All!
Excuse me. -Oh my gosh..
Mr Know It All!
It's ridiculous.
Wankers.
Success?
Of course, i'm a professional.
This will kill you, Bud.
Yeah, thanks for the tip.
Hey, you look good on TV.
A little heavier, but good.
This guy is ruining my life.
I got people coming up to me on the street.
They're asking for my autograph. They're telling me their problems.
Yeah, it could be tough to carry on your next job around here, i'll tell you that much.
Yeah.
So you're gonna kill Know It All?
I think i will.
Yeah.
So Albert cleared his debt, that's good.
Not quite, he subcontract it.
What is wrong with people today?
Does no one have any integrity anymore?
He came clean, he knows he still owes you.
Alright, just one more.
So who's next?
Business has been good.
Yeah boss, people are cooperating.
Don't wake them up.
They always does.
I was thinking, boss.
Maybe you don't have to hire him for your hits anymore.
I mean, i got a pretty good handle.. -Stella!
Where the hell did you put my snorkle?
How should i know? It's your snorkle.
Hey, don't be wise.
Keep an eye on her, alright. She's been acting really funny lately.
Hey, so this is a prelimenary script. Feel free to adlib.
Any questions?
Who's directing this?
Does it matter?
One second.
Oh.. -Whenever you're ready.
I love my job.
Honestly i've been quite overwhelmed by the..
Response.
All i want to do is to help my fellow map kind..
Man.. Man kind.
You're right.
Mankind.
This isn't about me, no. This is about you.
The people.
Yes,..
No? -No..
Okay, so what was wrong with the one before him?
He didn't have an air of confidence.
And the one before him? -He has got to see a doctor about that mole.
And the one before him?
Funny teeth, i think we are seriously..
Just pick one! -None of them are right, Patti. None of them had those eyes..
They all had eyes.
None of them looked like the drawing.
None of them had.. It.
Sally. -Patti..
We made him up.
There is no Mr Know It All. -I know.
I just have an idea of who he is and i don't want to mess it up.
Oh my God.. I cannot believe you talked me into this.
What?
This was your stupid idea. -No!
Now is not the time to be blamey!
You know what? I just wish someone would walk through that door and solve our problem..
Great, you've done it.
We're doomed. You cursed us. -What?
Oh my God, you're not serious.
Because i wished..
You do realize the Monkey Paw is just a story? -No.
Yeah. -It doesn't matter anyway, you already said it.
Cause i said it, he's gonna walk through that door and then we're cursed?
In a nutshell, yeah.
Hello.
I'm looking for Mr Know It All.
Well, you're a little late. But we can squeeze you in here.
This is the script.
What? -You're here to audition, right?
No, i'm here to speak to Mr Know It All.
Oh, well. He is..
He is not here right now.
How long he'll be back? -Later.
My client is a fan and would like a personal consultation.
No, i'm sorry Mr Know It All doesn't work that way.
My client's problem requires a swift resolution.
Of course he'll be willing to pay any extra expenses that will entail.
Nope.
I just don't think Mr Know It All would be interested.
My client would like me to speak on this matter with Mr Know It All personally.
I'll be in touch. -Okay.
Wait, wait, wait..
I know where he is.
I have a meeting with him later and i can set something up.
Excellent.
The Gladstone, at 9.
What are you doing? -That was him.
Who? -Mr Know It All.
There is no Mr Know It All.
That was the guy from the movie theater.
But he looks nothing like the drawing.
He shaved off his beard..
And he's a lot more cleaned up, but it was him. i studied his face for 2 hours.
I swear Patti, that is him.
This is perfect, they guy we're looking for just walks right in.
I can't meet with him. -What?
If i use him, then we'll be doom.
Oh, right.
The Monkey Paw.
So, they guy we're looking for..
Just walks right in, but we can't use him because i wished for him?
Yeah, okay. Right, got it.
Just.. One more question.
Are you out of your mind?
How did it go?
Okay.
You killed him, didn't you?
More or less.
That's not a real answer, Albie old boy.
Stop calling me that.
He wasn't there. -Was somebody there?
Rule number 3, if a witness sees you, you have to see to the witness.
relax, i'm a professional.
Somebody's tailing me. Do me a favor.
Another favor, Albie old boy?
This is gonna cost you more than dinner.
Just find out what's it about, Bud.
Yeah.
WIth pants.
Can you hear me, Patti?
This mike is a cheap piece of crap.
Hi, i'm Sally by the way.
Well not Sally by the way, just Sally.
Hello, Just Sally.
He, that is Mr Know It All, is running a bit late tonight.
I don't know where he is exactly.
But he said we could begin the discussion without him.
So, what is exactly does your client have in mind?
I prefer to speak to Mr Know It All personally.
Right.
Well, i can assure you that all of his business dealings are discussed with me personally.
With respect, i must work within the perimeters of my client's wishes.
Do you always talk like that?
Like what? -So formal and..
Uptight.
Why?
I don't know, i just pictured you differently.
Why would you ever pictured me?
Do you want some wine or beer?
Just water, i don't drink on the job.
Oh no, neither do i. Excuse me.
Let me try.
Don't you hate that? -Hate what?
When people don't notice you.
When i leave a room, people think someone comes in with negative charisma.
I think it's a gift.
To be able to enter and leave a room without being noticed.
I prefer it that way.
Yeah.. Sorry.
And it is Mr Know It All. Excuse me.
Did you record all of that?
Just ask him already if he'll be our Mr Know It All.
He doesn't seem the type, maybe we should go to plan B.
What plan B?
I thought you said you had a plan B.
Yeah?
Where do you keep the peanut butter?
I'm kinda busy, Bud.
I'm hungry.
Were you able to identify the shadow?
You're not gonna like it.
Just give me the details later.
The mike is a cheap piece of crap, it keeps cutting out.
I'm gonna return it and get my $12 back.
I thought you said it was $200, Patti.
You heard wrong.
So you killed Know It All yet?
Not yet.
What's taking you so long?
I'm in a meeting. Relax.
Once i find Mr Know It All, i'll kill him.
Hurry up already, you're supposed to be taking me out to dinner and drinks.
Just ask him.
He can't make it tonight. I'm really sorry you had to come all the way out here.
Perhaps we could arrange to go to him. -No.
He is out of town.
I thought you said you didn't know where he was.
I did, because i know that he is out of town..
But i do not know where he is in a GPS sort of way.
I see.
Your client must have quite the problem.
He does.
What? Does it involve..
Sorry, i should have not asked. You said..
This is a may seem like a crazy question..
What type of work do you do?
Why do you ask?
Well, i'm looking for someone to do some work for another..
And i just thought that maybe you..
I'm not looking for anymore work.
Of course.
I'm gonna go. I'm really sorry.
This was a waste of your time. -No.
It wasn't. You didn't.
It wasn't.
A complete..
Complete waste of time.
You're just saying that.
It's very nice of you to say.
There are not enough nice people in the world, don't you think?
Would you like to meet with him tomorrow?
Yes, yes.. Yes.
That's my parking spot.
What happens next? -I stared at him.
Stare at him? -Yeah, but he wants to go.
You should've punch him in his mouth. -I should have.
Hey. -Hey.
I got you a wine.
Great. What kind?
Red.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Cheers. -Great.
Bad news pal, you know the guy you didn't kill?
He is dead and i put him in the dumpster.
Whatever.
He knows you're in town, recognizes you from the television coverage.
Seems he blames you for the amputated leg.
I'm just passing on a message.
Why shoot the messenger?
If the message was die motherfucker..
Next time i see him, i'm gonna grab him by his neck and make him beg for his life.
Why wait until next time?
Let's just kill him.
You want to kill him? -Yeah.
I'm gonna take my .45 magnum..
.44.. -.44..
And i'm gonna blow his brains out.
This guy try anything, he'll leave a trail a mile long.
Yeah, of urine. Cause they're pissing themselves running away.
Hey assholes, are we amusing you?
Sorry pal. -Didn't mean to disturb you.
You're disturbing us.
I guess we just got carried away.
Yeah.
God blesses everyone.
It's a nice tattoo.
And then, what do i do?
This is such a stupid plan.
Just get the video and send it in.
And then what? -And then we'll come clean.
By then everyone will be deep in lies..
Your lies.
They'll lie to and they'll have to go along with it.
I don't know if i can do this.
Sure you can. Just do your charm.
Yeah, right.
He's coming. act natural.
Naturally? -Yes, perfect good.
No, it's an adverb. It's not "natural".
SUre it is, honey. Just be yourself.
No, i don't act natural. I act naturally.
It's really not the time for jitters, okay?
He's here. He's here!
Hi.
Hi, again.
Where's Mr Know It All?
Oh..
Late.
He is always late.
Do you want to.. I don't know..
Go for a walk or look at the animals or something until he comes? The meekaks perhaps?
You know the meekaks are the most wide spread primate genus aside from human.
Sure.
Great.
Follow me.
Have you seen a meekak before?
It was once thought that swans were monogamous.
Given apes made for lives, so do coyotes, beavers, termites..
It can only 3% of mammals are actually monogomous.
And Homo Sapiens are not one of them.
You think of dating a termite?
Why, do you know one that's available?
Excuse me, but should i know you?
No, i don't think so.
Sorry, it's just your face looks so familiar.
Yeah, i think you got confuse with somebody else.
Are you in movies? -No.
No. Sorry.
We should go.
It's weird. I swear it was him.
Do you see him?
You know, college students used to fling the pie plates made for the frisbee making company, way back in the 1800s.
That's how frisbee started.
I wasn't aware of that.
Sorry.
I babble when i'm nervous.
Didn't realize you were.
Babbling or nervous?
Nice catch, Mister.
It's all on the relfexes.
All on the reflexes, thanks.
Yeah.
I am having a real good time with you.
So i gotta come clean here.
It's really stupid actually.
I think you're gonna laugh when i tell you..
Well, maybe you'll be a little annoyed at first, and then laugh or maybe you'll laugh first and then get annoyed, and you know what?
I would really preferred if you got annoyed first and then laugh..
I am confusing you.
Okay.
The truth is that..
Well.. Mr..
I really..
Okay.
Mr Know It All doesn't really..
Ex..
Exactly want to meet with you.
I have tried but he is not budging on this one..
I'm sorry.
really.
I have to go.
Sure, i understand.
Bye!
Are you free for dinner?
Yeah!
Yeah..
Totally.
Yes.
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna make you pay.
I want to kill you so much.
I'm gonna get you so good..
You are gonna rue the day..
To review press 3. -What the fuck?
It's just dinner.
Yeah, it's never just dinner.
What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna drop that video in front of the TV station and return that piece of crap.
I've got some pretty great stuff today, you two looked good together.
Yeah right..
Maybe you will get together.
I lied to him Patti and led him on.
Yeah, okay. Pretty sure that's how most relationships start.
You should give it a try.
Look who's talking.
Have you ever had a meaningful relationship?
That depends on your definition of meaningful.
And what do you know about love?
I know that it can rip open your chest.
And expose your hopes and dreams then kick you in the heart and give you a puppy.
Okay, i'm sure i read that on a Hallmark card somewhere.
You know what? You really got to come to terms with your past, Sal.
It doesn't hurt to wish for things to work out.
What could i possibly wish for with this guy?
Not that i ever will. -I know.
Cause you don't wish for anything. But you know what?
You have a boring life.
That is just the way my life is.
That is just a big pile of horse shit.
If you don't wish for anything, if you don't have any hopes, i could tell you your entire life story right now.
Sally was born, she didn't really live and then she died.
It's a waste.
You should wear this one.
Here.
Alright, let me see what we're working with.
Little earrings, hair up.
I think he might get lucky tonight.
I don't have a good vibe about this. There's something you're not telling me.
What can i possibly be hiding?
Who the hell is Sally?
Sally's just a girl.
There's no such thing as just a girl.
I'm just getting information from her.
I think you want more than just information from her.
Cardinal rule, number 1.
Do not mess with.. -Mess with a woman when you're working, yes.
Exactly, this is not a suggestion.
This is a freaking cardinal rule!
I'm a professional.
Yeah, you keep saying that but you still haven't killed Mr Know It All.
Hello?
What?
Uh.. Um..
I was gonna leave you a message.
No need, pal. What can i do you for?
Uh..
I.. I..
What are you selling?
You motherfucker!
Wow, chief.
Don't you chief me!
You better watch your back!
I'm gonna put a knife through it.
Do i know you? -Yeah.
It's payback.
It's my turn to kill you.
Payback?
That doesn't make..
Oh..
Hang on a minute.
Albert, it's for you.
This is stupid. I should not be here.
Nope, no..
You look beautiful.
You too.
In a..
Manly rugged sort of way.
Line up. I mean..
There is a line up.
Would you like to go for a walk?
Sure. -Okay.
Okay.
Classic.
The 1955 version.
Sheered technical brilliance marked the beginning of his career..
And the 1981 deeper, more mature version, was the end.
What do you prefer?
I've always preferred the '55 version.
But now..
I'm not so sure.
How about you? -Me?
I have both at home..
Heard a lot about them, and i have not listened to either one.
Been meaning to.
Now this one i know.
That's a classic.
Love this album.
I went to one of his concert with my dad, when i was a little girl.
He was singing this amazing song to a packed house.
Seems like a million people.
But when he sang it, it felt like it was just for me and my dad, you know?
It was beautiful.
I thought that life could not be better.
And unfortunately, i was right.
Do you..
Do you ever take chances?
No.
I feel like sometimes i have wasted my whole life.
Your life is not over yet.
I hadn't heard this in years.
That is the song that he sang.
Right.
Here, let me get this for you.
No.. -Please, i want to get this for you, and you..
Have got to be gracious about accepting gifts, okay?
Okay.
Who's next?
Me. Right here.
Is there anything else?
Keep the change.
But miss, this is $50.
What? -I need to get some air.
Sorry, i was feeling a bit faint..
Are you okay now?
Yeah, much better.
Albert.. -What?
I..
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, i don't know what came over me. -No, it's..
Okay.
Okay..
You know..
Wait here..
My cleaning lady hasn't been here in a couple of days.
You don't need to.- I'll be back.
About 850 days.
She got.. okay..
Okay..
Sorry about that, i am..
Not the neatest person.
It's okay, i don't mind a little mess.
Typical guy.
Oh.. -Hello.
Wow, he usually only does that to me.
What's his name?
Rufus. Dog for short.
Hello, Rufus.
Albert? -Uh uh?
I have a confession to make.
Uh um.
I'm Mr Know It All.
Uh um..
I used your picture for the column..
I know i should have told you..
I'm so sorry, i just didn't think it would lead to this.
Wonderful this.
God it is such a relieve to finally tell you.
These last few days have been incredible and the best i've ever had.
All my life i have kept things in my heart and now..
For the first time, i feel alive.
Uh uh..
You may think this is crazy but..
Here it goes.
Albert, i think i'm falling for you.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I should not have told you like that. It's just..
No, it's..
You just caught me by surprise.
Me too, this whole thing is moving so fast..
So fast.
My head is spinning.
But it's wonderful.
Isn't it?
You're confused.
Conflicted.
You could say that.
Well, go with your instinct.
You'll know what to do.
I don't know.
Just do it.
I support you in this.
I wouldn't bet on that.
Do what you feel inside.
I did and i..
I feel free.
Albert?
You know what you want to do?
I think so.
Then do it.
Just..
When you told me that you're Mr Know It All..
It caught me by surprise.
I know, i'm just trying to be honest and..
Wait, wait. Wait..
Is this about Mr Know It All?
No.
I bear my soul to you and you are hung up on me being Mr Know It All?
No, no..
What about the other things i just said?
Yeah.
You mean the other stuff, other than being Mr Know It All?
Were you even listening to me? -Yes.
Then what did i say?
You said..
A lot..
Wow.
I told you i was in love with you and you were not even listening.
No, i'm listening.
I am such an idiot! -Sally..
No, you're not.
You know what? You're right, i am not the idiot..
You are! Get out!
Get out of here, are you listening now? -You're not being fair.
Life isn't fair!
Come on!
Damn..
Let me in.
I already did, and that was a big mistake.
Come on, let me in.
Say you're sorry.
I'm sorry. -Too late.
What? Give me a break.
You don't deserve it.
You can't ask for an apology and then receive it and not be okay with it.
Well, i'm not.
You're being unreasonable.
Reason has nothing to do with it, now go away.
Fine, you know what? I'm going.
In fact, you couldn't pay me to come in.
Fine! -I'm going.
Then go!
I'm out of here.
Who's stopping you?
How can i try getting my ex-girlfriend back?
What is a healthy in a personal relationship?
Yeah, my boyfriend has an obsession with his leaf blower.
Why does my cat hate me?
How long should i wait before i go into a rebound relationship?
Move on, you are alone. Most men are not worth the tears.
But when you meet one that is, he won't make you cry.
He is an enigma.
But he captures the public's imagination.
He is a beacon of hope..
She played you, pal.
Should've killed her when you had the chance.
Mr Know It All, a man who applies the..
This is award winning stuff, Sal.
You're a pretty good actress, and look.. it looks like you like the guy.
Syndication, you are a genius.
Okay, but after this can we cool it?
I want to focus on the book.
What book?
My book.
That book.
I'm not crazy about that publisher.
I was thinking that we should go with someone who's more in line with our way of thinking.
Okay, what is our way of thinking?
We want to get the book published.
They said no?
I'm sure i've mentioned this to you.
DId they say anything else?
They said it was well researched, but a little boring.
Like my life.
Maybe you can make some changes.
Add a little excitement.
Are we still talking about the book?
Lot of famous authors have had their first book rejected.
And so have a lot of crappy ones.
It's not a big deal.
We are golden with this Mr Know It All gig.
Patti..
Have you ever felt like you had it all worked out and life should finally be okay?
And then you realized you're just a horse's ass?
Yeah, all the time.
Don't worry.
You'll be fine.
Mr Know It All will be fine.
Not so sure about me.
Do you love me?
Why are you asking me these questions? And in front of the guys?
Do you love me? -Don't ask me questions like that!
I got an idea, you're already packed.
Let's go to Catalina, you love Catalina.
You can't even answer me, can you?
Oh..
Mr Know It All is right.
You found someone ready to love you..
And you can't allow yourself to love.
Would you stop with this Mr Know It All, please?
He's putting crazy ideas in your head.
Pedro. -Yes, boss?
What's with this Mr Know It All thing?
Mr Know It All is a popular newspaper columnist.
He's an enigma, doesn't do interviews but he's managed to captured people's imagination.
He's a beacon of hope and wisdom in our otherwise chaotic world.
He's a man that understands women.
Stella..
You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Goodbye Sherman.
Stella..
Stella?
Wait, Stella come on. Stella!
Guys, don't worry about me, alright?
I'm like a cat. I always land on my feet.
Oh God, Stella..
It's okay boss. -I'm alright.
I'm fine.
We're gonna get this Mr Know It All, alright.
We're gonna get him. -Yeah we are.
I want you to get this guy, Mr Know It All. I want you to get him!
You ever have doubts about our profession?
No. You?
Not really.
Good.
It's just that we have a certain philosophy of life.
Okay.
What are you getting at?
What's our credo?
Life holds no real meaning, death holds no real fear.
I am starting to think there is a sense to life.
Don't talk crazy, man.
You're just going through a phase.
Everybody thinks that positive crap at some point in their lives.
No, it's more than that.
I'm starting to think that there's a part of life that we have yet to tap.
Look.
We'll work this out.
Okay?
Just don't be doing something stupid you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.
Stay with me, pal.
Life just seems so real now.
Albie old boy, repeat after me.
Life is empty and meaningless.
I don't believe that anymore.
You haven't had a hit in a few weeks, it's messing with your head.
Come on, let's go down to the shooting range.
It's on me.
I don't feel like shooting anything.
I just..
Forget what i said. I'm fine.
I'm okay.
I'm gonna go for a walk.
I don't feel like shooting anything?
God, how did..
You know what, it doesn't matter.
You came back.
Is..
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I'm returning this piece of crap.
What's wrong with it? -It keeps cutting out.
Lubricant, zucchini, hemorroid creame..
Okay, so it doesn't cut out all the time.
I'm in a meeting, okay. Relax.
Once i find Mr Know It All, i'll kill him.
Oh my God, Sally.
Sounds good to me.
Sally, it's Patti..
Albert is trying to kill you.
He wants to kill Mr Know It All.
But wait.. wait..
What was that about?
What was what about?
No, no..
Are you trying to kill me? -No.
Then why whould Patti say that?
Couldn't tell you.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not trying to kill me.
Oh my God, you are,..
No, no.. -I'm so stupid..
It's not what you think.
Are you a psychopath?
No, it's not like that.
Then what is it like?
It's complicated.
Well..
Good, at least it's complicated.
I am going to give you 60 seconds and then i'm calling the cops.
Don't do that. -59..
58..
57.. 56..
Jesus, alright.
I'm a hitman.
People were recognizing me from the picture you're using for your column.
And i can't do my job if i have people who notice me.
So, i..
I was going to..
Kill you.
So, you were going to kill me..
So you could go on with your killing?
It sounds bad when you say it like that.
I cannot believe you wanted to kill me.
Yes. But i didn't.
But you wanted to.
But i didn't.
That doesn't matter!
It matters! -No, it doesn't matter!
I never wanted to kill you.
You've never had a reason to want to kill me.
So if i have a reason to kill you then it's okay?
Yes, no..
I mean..
You know what? Keep talking and i'll come up with a reason really soon.
Sally, stop it.
Or what? You're gonna kill me?
I don't want to kill you anymore.
Uh, Albert..
That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Okay. -You should..
You should teach one of those remidial murdering courses..
I hear you can do it online..
There's no such thing.
You can send people like, bullets through the internet.
And all your students will love you.. -It's impossible..
..And the trap rooms, and talking about bullets.. -Stop, stop.
Wait a second.
Why are you getting so high headed with me?
Yeah, yeah.
You lied to me!
You strung me along.
You used me to get your film covered.
You tried to kill me!
That wasn't me.
Down.
You got gizer on the back?
Yup.
I can't see nothing.
Get the lights off.
Use your infrared scope.
Try to take some iniciative.
Don't have me telling you what to do all the time.
Okay.
So, you don't think the boss gonna get pissed if we kill Know It All?
Boss is gonna see we can kill with the best of them.
How are we gonna stop Albert? What do we know what he looks like?
We don't need to.
We just need to kill Mr Know It All..
Before Albert gets to him.
Thank you.
Stay down, somebody's trying to kill me.
Kill you?
You have guns. -Yup.
Have you always had those guns? How did i not notice that?
You're a bit distracted.
By the way, there's a contract on your life.
How do you know there's contract on my life?
I got the contract.
Oh, good.
Kiss me.
Here, here you go.
What? He'll be safe there.
I don't think i know anyone who cares about me enough to want to kill me.
I mean, other than you of course.
Why does everyone take it so personally?
It's not you personally.
Good, because i'd hate to know someone personally who wanted me dead, except for you of course.
Just drop it, already.
Drop that you wanted to kill me?
Yes!
It's a big deal.
Jesus, it's only a big deal only if you keep making it a big deal..
Not a lot of people would think it's a big deal..
My friend Patti thinks it's a big deal.
Here, take it. Shoot me. We'll call it even.
I am not going to shoot you.
You don't have to kill me, just take a shot. Because i'd rather you shoot me now..
Than hear "you tried to kill me" for the rest of my life.
For the..
Rest of your life?
Yeah, well..
Really?
Yeah.
Shit!
What the hell?
You told me to shoot you.
Since when do you listen to me?
I was aiming for the floor.
Well, you missed.
I am so sorry.
You know that situation we were in earlier?
You know, it was a bit of..
Yeah, well..
You are putting a bullet in my foot.
And now we're kinda..
Screwed?
In a nutshell.
Oh my God.
But you've been in tougher situations before.
I have been in marginally tougher situations.
Now that you've blown off a toe..
The odds have kind of change.
Because of one toe?
Trust me, a toe or two can change the equation.
Did you add me into the equation?
You?
I can help.
I don't think so.
And why not?
Have you ever shot anyone before?
Do you know anything about guns?
I am Mr Know It All.
This is a 6 hour pro 226.
The DEA uses it, as well as the Swiss military.
Trying to release the hang manually could result accident of discharge.
I guarantee you,i have never had any of accidental discharge with any of my weapons.
You're not dealing with the brightest balls in the bunch.
Who told you to do that?
Why?
Don't do anything unless i give you an order first.
You said do more!
You said think iniciative!
I was wrong!
No shit!
Hey, Albert.
Hey Joey.
How's your mom? Still busting balls?
Yeah.
How's yours? -She's good.
She's got a new hip replacement.
Just like she got a new lease on life.
Precise.
Don't even think about it, Albert.
I guess there is no way of me talking you out of this.
Sorry, Albert.
Yeah, i thought i'd ask.
It's nothing personal.
I know, i know.
Back or chest?
Chest.
I was aiming for his leg.
You blew his face off.
I got nervous.
What are you doing?
Cleaning.
I gotta go, i can't be here.
I'll come with you.
No.
You are not walking out on me again.
I didn't walk out on you. You kicked me out.
Do not change the subject!
You're staying. -I thought you wanted to be with me!
I mean..
Don't you?
There's nothing i want more.
But it's over, Sally.
Over?
There's gonna be another contract on my life.
With a broken contract..
I'm a dead man, it's just a matter of time.
We will hide, we will run away.
They'll find us.
We didn't even have a chance, Albert.
We can do this, i can help you. I know tons of stuff..
We will figure it out.. -Sally, you gotta listen to me. -Don't..
Go.
This is all my fault, i never should have printed your picture.
If you hadn't, we would never have met.
Yeah, but now..
You are.. -Look, i have..
Lived more in the little time that we've had together than i ever thought i could..
Ever thought i want to.
And i love you for that, Sally.
You can't say that and then leave me, that's not fair.
Life is not fair.
No, we can stop this. We can pay someone off.
Sally, someone is gonna kill me. That's a certainty..
No, that is bullshit, Albert. It is not over til it's over.
It's only over when they have their dead body.
Albert. -Please.
Stop wasting what little time we have left.
Wait.
What did you say?
Stop wasting what little time we have left.
No, no. Before that.
Someone's gonna kill me? -No, after that.
The part about the dead body.
It's only over when they have a dead body.
That's it.
We have one.
I guess i should be more specific. We need two bodies, one for me, one for Know It All.
No, we need one body, everyone thinks you're him.
We can tell them, you were Mr Know It All.
Mr Know It All is dead.
Your contract is fulfilled, and as far as the guy who wanted to kill you..
You're dead.
No one would give you another thought. Please, Albert.
We may just have something here.
Okay, grab me something from the kitchen, anything that put us..
Fingerprints on, on a mug, can, whatever.
You have a cloth? -Yeah.
Great, thanks.
I'm gonna have to disappear for a while.
I'll find you.
Wait!
What if i never see you again?
Give them a great story.
And..
Wish for happy ending.
In tragic news today, a columnist sensation Mr Know It All was found dead.
2 down in the hallway. -1 more in here!
There's a dog in the oven.
Maam, are you okay?
It's a Monkey Paw.
Aren't you going to make a wish, sweety?
What did you wish for?
I can't tell you, then it won't come true.
You've had such a good year, i don't know what else you could possibly wish for.
Your book, it's actually doing amazing.
Show her the new cover for the second printing.
Check it out.
You guys have been amazing, thank yo.
The secret to a good workign relationship is to know who's boss.
And it's you, baby. It's always been you.
Yeah.
Sal, you're a year older but i swear to God, you have never looked better.
What's the secret?
I just follow a piece of advice given to me by a wise woman.
Who? -Albert's mom.
She told you to keep your pecker in your pants?
Stop.
No, but that was adviced especially for you.
She said that it comes down to 3 simple things.
If you wake up in the morning and you have something to do..
Someone to love and..
Something to wish for..
Then life's gonna be okay.
She sounds so sweet.
This is the same sweet woman who wished for a Desert Eagle Automatic for her birthday.
It's a gun.
Well, best present of all..
We got the deal on the advance for your second book.
And it's a good deal. -Happy birthday honey.
I think it calls for a celebration.
Yes sir?
A bottle of Dom Perignon '96.
No, and..
Chocolate milk.
Yes sir.
Well, Sal.
I do believe that you have to start writing your second book.
I already have started.
I even have a title. -What? Let me guess.
Shoot.
And Baby Makes Three.
Yeah?
Oh my God.
What kind of title is that?
Makes no sense.
Come on guys, we're on a public place.
Sal.
Would somebody tell me what is going on here?
What's going on? -Honey, use your head.
What? And Baby Makes Three?
Oh man.
You get it? -I get it, that's just..
Hey come on guys, i get it okay? You can stop now.
Will you just shut up and kiss me?
Yes sir..
Sometimes things work out better than you could ever imagine.
Especially if you don't have much of an imagination.
Of course if you have a great imagination..
Then it may never work out better than what you could imagine..
But i digress.
I've read about life, written about life..
But it is different when you finally live it.
They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Someone to love. -And something to wish for.
I'm ready.
Cheers. -Cheers.
-kpoplover-
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